This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things (in the Functional Health World)

aka why you're not getting free protocols in a Facebook comment

I'm going to get real for a second.

I’m tired. Like, existentially-tired-from shouting-into-the-void kind of tired. I’ve built something I know can help people, something grounded in both lived experience and years of functional health training, and I feel like I’m constantly hustling, making thoughtful content, answering questions in FB groups and DMs, and somehow… still crickets.

“Hey, what should I take for fatigue /brain fog /weight gain /histamine issues?”

 And someone replies with a ChatGPT wall of text. No context. Lots of emojis, em dashes and pseudo-spiritual false equivalencies like: “It’s not just your hormones. It’s a revolution!”

 “OMG thank you for this incredible advice!” 

<facepalm>

But if I call them out for just using Chat GPT for content, I look like a jerk.  So I either ignore and scroll or correct some misinformation in a follow up comment that doesn’t get seen.  

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Because while people are copying and pasting generic info (some of which could absolutely make you worse), I’m over here spending hours analyzing labs, reviewing symptoms, cross-checking research, and tailoring recommendations for actual humans with actual complexity.

I’m not guessing. I’m not Googling. I’m not handing out protocols like Halloween candy.

When you work with someone like me, it's not just a 15-minute chat and a few scribbled notes. You're getting a trained practitioner who:

• Connects your symptoms to root causes through clinical reasoning

• Correlates them with functional lab markers and patterns

• Builds a plan grounded in science and real-world experience

• Double checks everything because the last thing I want to do is make you worse

• Remembers that your bloodwork pointed to something, your DUTCH results back that up, and it might be time to look at your gut because all signs point there

• Attends trainings for hours every month to stay on top of the very latest research, labs and supplements

That kind of work takes time. It takes effort. And yes, it costs money, because it isn't just “take magnesium and hope for the best” or “drink some celery juice.” What if you're sensitive to oxalates? Or your minerals are out of balance? Or you have a food sensitivity to celery?  The Medical Medium isn’t going to show up if you crash from a celery-induced flare.

But I will.

The more you learn in this field, the more you realize there are 50 other things to consider before recommending even one supplement.

Let's talk labs.

Yes, functional testing might cost a few hundred dollars.  The reply is often “Oh, I can’t afford that.”  I’m not saying that $300 is cheap.  I get it, we're used to insurance covering things and these are usually out of pocket expenses, and it's way more fun to spend that money on dinner and a movie. But do you know what else costs a few hundred dollars?

• That pile of supplements that didn’t help (even though the Instagram model said it's all you'll need)

• The specialist co-pays

• The missed work

• The years wasted chasing free advice that keeps you stuck

• The not being able to get out of bed and play with your kids

Also, functional labs are validating. They give you a why when you’ve been told it’s all in your head because your routine bloodwork is "normal." They show you that you’re not crazy, and you’re not just getting older or stressed. They give us direction so you can stop spinning your wheels and finally start to feel better.

Long story short, the internet is a wild place for someone like me right now.

I don’t want to be an influencer. I’m not here to dance for likes or base everything on TikTok trends. I’m too old to awkwardly point at floating text on a screen. I’m just here to help people get better. And yes, full transparency, I need to pay off my master's degree and lab courses and, oh yeah, also not crumble under the weight of late-stage capitalism, so I charge for my time and for the course I spent years building the knowledge to write.

Y'all, I can’t keep screaming into the void forever.

Hopefully this helps me find my people.

If not, it was nice to vent for a moment.

Now off to stream Rep again (now that the OG is TV).

Anyway, the internet says I have to put in a call to actions, so If you’re ready for support from someone who’s been there and done the work, I’m here.

 Explore how I work. 

Or grab a free guide (free resources at the top of the website) and start there (yes, some advice is free, but these are starting points to help grasp the bigger picture).

Either way, you deserve better than copy-and-paste advice from a bot.

Disclaimer: I do not diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any disease or condition. Nothing I share with my clients is intended to substitute for the advice, treatment or diagnosis of a qualified licensed physician. I may not make any medical diagnoses or claim, nor substitute for your personal physician’s care. It is my role to partner with you to provide ongoing support and accountability in an opt-in model of self-care and any changes should be done under the supervision of a licensed physician.